Awake
Disclaimer: Nintendo and other people owns this, not me. Buy some
Pokèmon merchandise and read the entire list of (c)s and (r)s
there.
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I know you are awake. When you were asleep you weren't squeezing
my hand like that. Not to mention that you breathed like a normal
sleeping person when you actually were. And I saw that you opened
your eyes. It's no use in pretending you're not awake, because I
know you are, you know I know, and it is too late anyway.
Too late for me to leave, to late to pretend nothing happened,
too late to turn back.
I'm staring into the ceiling.
I slept with my brother last night.
Okay. Then perhaps you aren't technically my brother. I just sort
of counted you as that. And it does feel sort of weird. I won't
even try to imagine what it were like for you. I mean, you're... you!
You're just not the person to sleep with others. Well, maybe
everyone of us are. Just that... I couldn't imagine you doing it.
Well, you were drunk. Might've been the answer. And even then you
were afraid. It was sort of weird. And I will never know what
possessed me to do it. Well, I was drunk too then. Is that an
excuse? People do all sorts of things when they are drunk. They
do... they...
Nobody sleeps with their brother when they're drunk. That's just
the way it is. It's gross. And this doesn't feels gross. Even
though you are my brother. No you are not. But I always thought
of you as that, and when I do, you are, I mean...
I'm only confusing myself. You are NOT my brother.
But isn't this still supposed to feel gross?
Maybe it isn't.
I could've left. I've been awake for a long time. And if I did
leave it wouldn't be any problem. Perhaps you would tell yourself
you were dreaming. Perhaps you just wouldn't dare mention it.
Perhaps you wouldn't want to mention it. But if I left it
wouldn't have happened. We would have drunken that wine, laughed
over that movie, and then went to sleep in our own rooms, and I
would never have woken up in this bed. If this is what stealing a
valuable pokèmon leads to I'm not sure if I want to steal ever
again. This is confusing me too much.
It's your fault, you know. One of us has to take the guilt, and
that sure as hell won't be me. You were the lesser drunk of the
two of us, you could have stopped me. Well, of course I was the
one that jumped on you. And you did struggle. A lot. But you gave
in, that is my point. You gave in when you shouldn't have done
it, and that ended with this. You are the man. The man is the one
seducing the woman. Even if the woman is the one practically
ripping his clothes off. Okay, then perhaps I can understand you.
But still. I won't take any responsibility for this, and you know
it.
And now you are awake, and I am awake, and we can't pretend last
night wasn't something out of the usual.
We can't be like this forever. Sooner or later one of us has to
speak. That, or Meowth comes in, which he will soon enough if you
don't go out there and make him breakfast.
I was going to leave. Really. But my head hurts, and I didn't
start to think clearly before I suddenly was staring into your
eyes, and it was all too late, and now I can't do anything but
look away from you and pretend I didn't see what we both knew I
saw. Do you know how weird it is to see you asleep? It makes so
much of you go away, and leaves only the core of you left... it's
like all masks you are wearing all day are gone, and what is left
is the sweet and vulnerable thing that is your soul. I wonder if
I am the same. Somehow, I doubt it. I need my masks too much to
ever let go of them.
I don't know what time it is, but it's probably early if Meowth
still is asleep. I want to slumber off again, but I don't dare,
because even if I do, you wont, and I know you are going to look
at me, and think about me. You probably are already. You're not
looking at me, of course, but you are thinking about me. What
else? How could you possible think about anything else after
this?
So I am still laying here, in your bed, staring into the ceiling
of your room as you are clutching my hand like it's the only
thing keeping you alive and trying to pretend you are still
sleeping as peacefully as you were minutes before.
Jesse?
Oh no. You are talking. I can't pretend anymore now. It has come.
We have to face it.
What?
I'm not going to take the blame for this.
Do you care about me?
What kind of question was that?!
Would I stick up to you all the time if I didn't?
Please don't pull this any longer. Please. I can't go there. Not
now.
You know I didn't mean it that way.
No such luck.
Why do you bother?
Don't look so hurt. Do you know what that does to me? How bad it
makes me feel?
Because I care about you.
What? Where did that come from?! Please... Don't say
anything, I don't want to hear it...
And it won't ever be the same.
Like I don't know. Can we please talk about something else? Like
if this will get us problems, or what to tell Meowth, or how this
was your fault, or...
You are kissing me.
That does shut my mind up. Because nobody ever kissed me that
way. It's not like those kisses from last night, those kisses I
forced on you, those kisses you later accepted, those kisses you
returned to me at last...
It's almost like we aren't kissing at all, because your lips are
barely touching mine, and the only other part of our bodies
touching are our hands, and it makes me feel like crying. Because
I realize that I want you to kiss me.
But you are my brother.
No, I correct myself, you are not.
Don't tell me you are crying. You are. I open my eyes again, and
you are looking at me in such a way as if there is something you
desire more than your own life, and you can't have. Do I really
mean that much to you?
Are you really sure you don't care about me?
Please, James...
I do love you, Jesse. Even if this wasn't the way I'd want you
to know.
You said it. The words that aren't supposed to be said. Thank you
so much, Mr. "I can't keep my stupid feelings for myself
when it is for the best for us all". Now I am even more
confused.
What do you think Meowth will say?
You didn't answer my question.
Do you HAVE to?!
I'm not going to say anything. This is too stupid. You are too
stupid. Okay? This aren't things we talk about!
I want to yell it at you, but I don't. I just glare.
And it makes you cry.
I see...
Do you have to look that way when you are crying? Don't you know
that it makes me want to cry myself because I do such a thing?
You let go of my hand then, as you are turning away, for some
ridiculous reason trying to hide your tears from me. What is the
use? You know that I know you are crying anyway. So why are you
doing this? Why are you laying down again like that, pulling up
you sheets so cold air slips in against the bare skin of my back
and hiding your face under it?
I didn't mean it! Don't you know that I didn't mean it?
You are so stupid. The fact that you are pressing your nose into
that pillow isn't keeping me from knowing how weak you are.
So why does it make me touch your like that? Why does it make me
tell you not to cry? Why does it make me unable of being like I
always am around you?
Why does it make me kiss you?
I don't know that. I don't know anything. All I know is that when
I kiss you it makes you stop crying, and that somehow we end up
with arms and legs tangled, and you are with me again, and I
don't care about knowing at all, because I suddenly realize that
I need this closeness, that I need you to touch me like that,
that I need to feel your kisses which are not at all like mine
were...
And I forget it all. The bed, the room, the confusion, the angst,
all of it fades away and leaves only you and me and bliss, and I
don't care, I don't want to care, because all of sudden all that
matters are you, and what you are doing to my me, my body, my
mind, my souls, my entire being.
And I when it is over I am falling again, landing softly in the
bed, in your arms, pressing myself up against you, and I think
I'm crying. I didn't know that, but I think I am. I don't want it
to be gone. I want to stay this way forever, when my eyes are
closed and you don't speak and make me think about things I don't
want to think about, and when all the world can go to hell for
what I care, because I am with you.
And I don't know what makes me feel that way, but something does,
and this something is scaring me. I'm not supposed to be like
this. I am supposed to walk out of here like I did with everybody
else, leaving you alone and not give a damn about what you feels,
but I don't, I can't make myself do it.
I am loosing control.
It is that simple. I can't control myself any longer, I can't
resist the temptation of staying here, in this safe bubble that
is my world at the moment, in your arms. I am pushing away the
reality of the world, I don't ever want it to come back, not as
long as you are holding me like this...
Meowth enters. Of course he does. He bursts through the door and
wants to know if you are going to sleep for long, because he
wants his breakfast, and then he yells, and I tell him to go to
hell, and when he at last is out of the room again I look back at
you, and I know that it is shattered, that what was is gone now,
and you are only you again, looking scared and sad and fragile at
me, and I turn away from you, move too fast for your arms to slip
around me again as I step out from the warmth under the sheets
and out into the coldness of your room.
I can almost hear you crying when I do, but I ignore it. I'm me
again, and I can do this to you, because... I think it is because
Meowth knows. When Meowth knows this isn't just something between
you and me anymore, it's something that happened for real,
something we have to face, and live with, and be able to explain
to the rest of the world.
And it was all your fault.
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*Blinks* Wow. I didn't know I could write stuff like that... the
scary part was that I didn't plan to at all either. Blah. This
probably was horribly ooc as well, but have mercy with me, most
of it was written in the middle of the night.